every fashion-conscious girl knows
zombie boyfriends are
totally in for spring
I’ve had mine for nearly a month
—a whole month! my longest relationship ever!—
and it’s really dreamy in so many ways,
if not so hot in a couple others
(though the latter have been grossly exaggerated
in the blatantly anti-undead media! impartial my perfect ass!)
let me answer to some popular observations:
1. He’s kind of sluggish in sunlight.
who cares? just prop him in a
lounge chair and hang out by the pool all day;
you’ll get a fabulous tan, and his undead pallor will diminish!
(downside: beware the smell of cooking meat—time to go inside!)
2. He doesn’t talk, just makes grunting noises,
occasionally groaning “brainnnnzzzz . . .”
so what else is new? exactly how does this differ
from every other guy you’ve dated since high school?
the real difference is, you don’t have to pretend to be
interested in what he’s saying all the time—what a relief!
(downside: your parents will call him a mindless moron
with no future and say he’s not good enough for you . . .
again: so what else is new?)
3. His sex drive is zero.
I know! how refreshing! how often have you longed for a guy
who wasn’t looking for just one thing! haven’t you always
wanted someone interested in your brain as well as your body!?!
(downside: well, you may find him a little too interested in your brain,
what with the nom-nom-nomming and the
wet smacking noises he makes in the air near your skull;
in public I just pass this off as loveplay and swat his face away,
laughing loud so everybody can hear—
be firm! once you let him eat your brains it all goes downhill,
or so I’ve heard, or at least so I’ve seen on the news)
4. He’s not marriage material.
okay, this last one is definitely true;
I mean, as a boyfriend he pretty much rocks it,
but for a husband?
over my dead body!