My husband is Bigfoot.
It didn’t start out that way. When we got married, he was your normal, everyday programmer – a little chubby with a receding hairline. I love him now just as much as I did then. His attitude and personality haven’t changed a bit. He’s still the same happy, loving husband, just a bit hairier.
The hair was my fault. Him becoming Bigfoot was my fault.
The receding hairline always bothered me. I would look at it, and it would remind me that we were getting older. We weren’t college kids anymore. We thought we were, but slowly, with his receding hairlines and new gray hairs popping up every other week, I knew we were getting older. I decided to deny it.
I was sneaky, so I thought. I went to Wal-Mart and bought a couple bottles of Rogaine, and while my husband was at work, I mixed the hair-miracle formula into his shampoo. It was a simple project, one that I knew would not fail. My husband would stop balding, and perhaps grow a little of that receding hairline back. Flawless.
It seemed to work after a few weeks. I noticed that his hair was a little thicker and more forward on his forehead. I stopped worrying about aging.
When he ran out of shampoo, I got some more Rogaine and mixed it in, all without my husband’s knowledge.
A few weeks later, I noticed his back hair. Now this was a new thing. I always loved that he had no back hair. Back hair is disgusting. But now, he did have back hair. I thought it might be a result of aging. You always see old men with hair growing out of their ears, and they probably had more back hair than normal too, so it didn’t bother me beyond the disgusting factor. Then his chest hair got thicker, and the hair on his legs and arms. His beard was already beyond saving, but we had made an agreement a few months earlier that he could grow his beard out if I quit my job, and he would trim it if I sold a book.
Once the hair was almost too thick to see his skin, I realized my mistake. While taking a shower, I looked properly at his shampoo bottle. Shampoo plus body wash. The damage had been done.
He started to complain about the hair in the spring, once the weather warmed. I didn’t have the heart to tell him why he had become the modern day Bigfoot. We tried everything --- shaving, waxing, that rub-off hair remover --- but none of it worked. I had stopped putting Rogaine in his shampoo, but the hair kept growing. It was what I wanted, I suppose.
It took another spring and summer for us to give up on removing the hair. My husband asked for a transfer to Wisconsin, and in the colder weather, he learned to live with it. There have been record sightings of Bigfoot in the little town we live in. If only they knew that there was a naked twenty-four year old man under all that hair.