In overnight trading, coal ended six points behind the three-year average, considered forty-four percent neutral to good. Uncertainty continues. Steel remains strong, up eight points from the previous week, marking the eleventh straight year of double-digit increases. Einsteinium continues with a general upward bias, thirty-six points above trade guesses compared to year-ago marks. Mealworms are forecasted twenty-seven billion bushels on yields of ninety-eight bushels per hectare, down five percent from predictions on January the First. Fructose yields and production were both reduced, neutral to bearish. Sucrose remains unchanged.

Outside markets were mixed. Crude futures saw the largest gains as traders consumed depressed names. A 3:00 AM rally was briefly stymied and the downtrodden continued their descent. Overall futures were lackluster, ending the night with gains of zero point six, respectively. On the Daily Slaughter, hogs were beaten back as weak rounds of data hit treasury yields, with an overbought/oversold ratio of seven. Big Swine is eating Big Cow. Livestock fared the worst, ending mostly thirty-seven to forty-three cents lower than they were before, twelve superyen per head trading below three percent. Further plunges expected.

Extremely volatile night on the Humanity Index, carryover tightened to thirteen point zero one six trillion. Frantic fears and speculation drove the HI down a precipitous hundred and twenty-four points, with human value now standing at eighty-eight superyen per head, the third lowest reading in memory.

The cataclysmic drop was predicated last night when the pharmaceutical firm Pearson-Davies announced the upcoming release of Zyklobene Six, a new drug proved effective at eliminating most forms of bone cancer. The expected ensuing lowered death rate and consequent booming supply of unwanted humanity could easily drive demand to its lowest ebb ever in the coming weeks, and human life is now worth less, per pound, than copper and all energy stocks. This disastrous turn prompted at least thirty-four confirmed investor suicides, but unfortunately this lessening of supply was not statistically significant enough to effect the downward trend.

This sudden decline ends generally bullish yields on the HI for the past four months, which had benefited from positive bounces brought on by the ongoing supertornadoes in the Midwest, generating a death toll of one point seven million and climbing. Droughts in the East also gave rise to a short boom in April. Starvation, malnutrition and infant mortality are still likely to post expected gains in those sectors. The plummeting Humanity Index rebounded slightly at 4:00 AM when it was noticed that the demand for human eyes, lungs and brains climaxed at a second best all-time high.

The market was also briefly elated when, in the wee hours, the influential terrorist organization Society of the Angry God released a statement via videotape calling for an increased campaign of suicide bombing, expected to kill a quarter of a million or more if their portfolio is to be believed, which should help to bring the human supply and demand more into balance. The positive response in speculation, however, was offset again at 5:00 AM when reports broke of a new wave of refugees from Holy War-ravaged Brazil heading towards the Western Zone, which could result in a humanity surplus of three-million gross. Investors are holding out hope that Neural Pox will successfully cross-infect from rodents to humans on the Northern Tundra in the latter part of the year. This greatly desired interspecies contagion could very well drive human prices back up into the profitable range, and investors might recoup their First Quarter losses. Fed Chairman Nickles insists that human beings are still a sound investment.

Meanwhile, fire broke out at 6:03 AM this morning at the Nebuchadnezzar Square Shirtwaist Factory in the Fish District of Little Indonesia, trapping over three hundred and twenty workers in the upper stories of the building, mostly sterilized women. The responding fire departments halted rescue attempts when it was determined that the cost of saving the lives exceeded the Actual Cash Value of the lives themselves, resulting in a total loss. The fire is still burning and commuters are advised to avoid the over-overpass at Southern Rothberger. The Market responded favorably but unenthusiastically to the developments.


Editor’s Corner


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